We were the happy couple, married in our parish almost 30 years ago. After the marriage, my spouse apologized for pressuring before marriage to unchastity.
That had been my first mistake–believing the lie that in a serious relationship (we were nearly engaged after all) having sex occasionally was ok.
It wasn’t. It bothered my conscience deeply and I felt used.
Once married we used Natural Family Planning. In the first year, we conceived. With bills to pay, crying every day, I left my child to go to work. Eventually
my husband did quite well financially, so I quit to raise our children. My youngest was born in a traumatic delivery, which led me to fear having more
children. I then made mistake number two–taking the pill. I knew it was wrong, but I justified it in “my case.” God would understand, but I’m ashamed
that I didn’t confess it. I didn’t understand the WHY of what the church taught. My mother had worked full time, and the message growing up was to
put career and financial security as the top priority. Having a large family was seen as irresponsible.
After a decade of marriage, one day I walked in and caught my husband masturbating. Was he watching porn on his computer? He said that every man does it.
It hurt deeply. He met someone, a porn model. He told me that he didn’t want to be married to me anymore. He claimed that he had never loved me and
we were not compatible.
We saw a priest who failed us. He told my husband that since he wasn’t happy he could leave. I felt so abandoned. I considered leaving the church. My husband
continued to be distant, cold towards me. I considered suicide.
Alone one night, I heard a quiet voice telling me that I was not alone–God was there. During this time our oldest, who was in high school, became involved
in a same sex relationship. I cried all the time. No one could tell me how to deal with this. The ministry in my archdiocese turned out to be gay-affirming.
I left the first meeting in tears. Their message, to affirm, I couldn’t do. At my new parish the priest told me about Courage.
I couldn’t in good conscience start dating, as I was still a married woman, regardless of what my husband chose to do. He had broken his promise;
I didn’t want to give my children that example. I focused on my two teenagers. They needed a responsible parent. I was forced to go back to work. I
remember crying on Christmas Eve as the utility man came to shut off our utilities again. That same Christmas my estranged husband bought our daughters
designer handbags. I felt ashamed that I had failed my children. One day I came home and caught my youngest daughter, 18, with her boyfriend. I yelled
at him and asked him point blank if he was prepared to support a child.
Soon it will be 10 years since that day when my husband shattered our family. Along the path of tears I gained a deeper faith. I learned to trust God in
ways I never had. I discovered how very much He had always been there with me, protected, and guided me. I am a different person than I was on that
first day when I thought my heart would explode from pain. I left my old parish because the memories hurt too much and because the failure of the pastor
left me feeling abandoned. I found a new parish where they actually preach the true Catholic faith. I became involved in parish life and began formation
as a secular Carmelite. I began to educate myself through the Courage apostolate. I began an EnCourage chapter in my area, providing hope and truth
for parents.
Three years ago my husband filed for divorce. I miss the man he used to be. I now see a man without inner peace, and my heart hurts for him. He is
cohabiting with a woman 10 years younger than I. My oldest is cohabiting in a same sex relationship. I understand now about redemptive suffering. God
really is close to the broken-hearted, abandoned spouse. He always provided for me. And I really feel that I have been blessed with the better part.
I am His, and that is where I want to stay.
Submitted by M. M.