Tell Ruth the Truth

This is a moderated blog is a project of the Ruth Institute. Have a story to share? We're listening.

I was walking like a lifeless body, a corpse that moved.

I’ve struggled with same-sex attraction for most of my life. Although I had a difficult childhood (having attempted suicide when I was about 12), I never thought there was a connection between my attractions toward other boys and my lonely, rejected, hurtful upbringing.

My whole life, I was told that embracing the gay lifestyle would make me feel better, that my life would get on track, and I would finally be happy. When I was about 20, I came out and embraced "who I really was."

In the beginning, it felt good. Entering the gay community was like becoming someone. Being kind of attractive and young, it was unbelievable to suddenly have all those guys giving me attention and pursuing me. Men with high financial status taking an interest in me and treating me like I was special was surreal to me.

But as the years went by, I started to notice that the gay lifestyle wasn't as I was told it would be. What was quite in contrast with what the culture told me was the promiscuity, the instability of gay relationships, and the drug-drenched atmosphere. In fact, gays have way more partners and sexual activity than straight guys. A gay man having sex with more than five guys on a weekend is not unusual. Having sex with two unknown guys in one day is not unusual. And this is not just a small portion of the gay community, it's the main portion.

Gays use more drugs, and drug use in the gay community is skyrocketing. The drug-drenched parties are countless. Not to mention that a good portion of gay hookups only happen if there are drugs involved. Chemsex culture is indistinguishable from gay life.

Also, gay relationships were different from what I was made to believe. They were all open. In fact, I've learned from older gays that if you wanted a relationship to last, it had to be open. Otherwise, you would just be fooling yourself. I've never seen a gay couple that was together for years that didn't do that.

At first I wasn't into the promiscuity, drugs, etc, but with time I got used to it. I resisted at first, but things go out of control really fast in the gay lifestyle. I thought I would be different, but I became desensitized to what at first seemed ugly. The number of sexual interactions in my life increased and became kind of obsessive and crazy. And while I was doing it, I was getting more and more drugged and dependent on substances. I was feeling more and more empty, and it made me look for more and more sexual contact and more substances, as an attempt to fill the void.

I wouldn't say that boyfriends and I didn't want a monogamous relationship, but the feeling of boredom and discomfort with each other was inevitable. One invariably always lost interest in the other. I saw that this was not just in my relationships, but with all of my friends.

After a few years, I felt completely empty and meaningless. I had been told that when "I assumed who I was," my life would be fulfilled, that I would meet someone and be happy. After the excitement and the glimpse of the beginning of my life in the gay community, all I had left was emptiness and anguish. I was walking like a lifeless body, a corpse that moved.

I couldn't take life anymore. I felt there was nothing left for me here. I had a particularly acute depressive episode. I moved back in with my parents and stayed in bed for a week without getting up or eating. It was painful to exist. I had already concluded that it was the end, my life had failed, and there was nothing here for me anymore.

I was not particularly religious. I had a tremendous prejudice against religious people. I thought they were all wrong, especially the more traditional ones. But I kind of knew there was something, a Being. I felt deep anguish and cried with that pain. I was ready to cut myself and bleed to death. Then from the bottom of my heart came: “Lord, please help me!” And I heard a voice: “Believe in me.”

Automatically, even to my surprise, I said: “Yes.” Without knowing or understanding anything, I decided to believe. I had some contact with Catholicism in the past, so I looked for a church and started a Christian life. At that moment I had decided to leave the gay world and cut all ties.

At first, it was very difficult. My body was used to all those sensations. Gay pornography was part of my daily life, and it was difficult to resist the temptation to watch it. But over time it got easier. In addition, I was adopting a series of new practices: prayer, meditation. I was feeling connected to and loved by God, not to mention the new friends I made, people who came from a world completely foreign to me. From the beginning, the happiness I saw in them called my attention. It seemed so strange and different from everything I saw in the world. That lightness and joy--I had no idea these lives existed.

I met a Catholic missionary with an internet apostolate for men like me. He also lived gay-identified for a few years and got out. I always thought I was born that way. In his podcasts, he spoke about the reality of the gay world - which does not appear anywhere in the media and culture - and the causes of homosexuality. I identified with everything he said about the causes of same-sex attraction: Father wound, family issues, everything. It felt like he was describing my life.

From the moment I started to understand, I started to change. This missionary had been in therapy with Dr. Joseph Nicolosi. I started reading Dr. Nicolosi's books and articles and watching his online videos. That was like an explosion. His descriptions of the different stages of a boy's development and how they get messed up, was very similar to my life. Now I could understand and deal with my deeply-rooted wounds: the fear, discomfort, and inferiority I felt around men, the need for affirmation and affection that I never had. I felt a weight lift out of me. I saw that I was just like other guys, an equal. And it made me feel more comfortable with them, more relatable, more relaxed in my body.

At that point I wasn't feeling so much sexual desire for men. In fact, I started to feel attracted to girls--feelings and sensations that I felt a long time ago, but had forgotten.

I also haven't felt a need to inject substances or take prescription drugs in a long time. I feel satisfied. I don't know what the future holds, but sometimes it seems unbelievable that this is all happening. All the meaning and fulfillment I feel makes me want to stay here forever.

The Institute's work is of great importance in my life now. I've read many articles on the website, heard many podcasts and interviews, and watched many talks by Dr. Morse. The Dr. J Show is one of the best things during the week for me.

The first great thing was that I understood that much of the hurt and suffering I experienced came from the lies of the Sexual Revolution. I saw that the dysfunction in my family, the abuse, the misleading advice from the culture, and so on, all lead me to the suffering I experienced.

It was healing to know that I wasn't to blame; I was a victim of these lies. The Ruth Institute showed me that Christian morals are not just moral rules. They are commandments, because they are what makes us happy and healthy. You guys are really a blessing, truly doing God's work. Thank you so much.


-Submitted by M.