Stories

Stories collected for our Resource Centers


"I am Going to be a Boy. It will Keep me Safe." Erin Brewer's Transgender Story

(Above: Erin Brewer shares her story with Dr. Morse on April 3, 2020. This story is taken from that interview)

 

Erin Brewer was only six years old when she was molested by two men outside of her elementary school. The event was traumatic and horrible for her and it led her to dysphoria with her own body. She decided that if she were a boy, she wouldn’t have been assaulted. Her brother, for instance, was with her, and the two men left him alone. She cut her hair and started wearing her brother’s hand me downs. It was a tremendously difficult episode in her childhood.

Erin’s childhood home was far from idyllic. When she was only four, her parents got divorced. She stayed with her mother, who remarried her stepfather. “I longed for my dad’s attention. Still, still, it breaks my heart. I never felt loved by him. A lot of that was because I felt like the divorce was my fault.In my head I felt that if I had been a son, if I had been a good boy, that he would have stayed with my mom.” Any child of divorce will readily recognize and identify with these sentiments.

Another terribly disturbing part of her home life was the nature of her mother and step-father’s marriage. “I basically grew up in a family that is being promoted as sex positive now where there was sex happening in my home, not just between my mother and step father, but between my mother and other men, and my step-father and other men. So it was a very sexualized environment that I grew up in. I think they call it an open marriage. Not a good environment for children to grow up in.”

 


 

It was against that background that six-year-old Erin had to cope with the sexual abuse she endured. She talked about the dissociation she experienced with her body, and how she acted out because of it. “In my case, I hated my body so much that I was doing dangerous and harmful things. I raged, when I’d be brushing my hair, I just started hitting myself with the brush because I hated myself so much. I had blood coming out of my hair. Sometimes, outside, playing on the playground, I would get so angry I would start slamming my fist on my crotch, because I just had this incredible anger because I felt like my body betrayed me. I felt that if I hadn’t been a girl, that sexual assault wouldn’t have happened.”

The emotions and confusion she experienced led her to making sense of the world and coping with the trauma in these destructive, painful ways. Her school psychologist gave her mother some effective guidance, that she says was effective. Among the suggestions were: reinforcing positive ideas of being a woman, exposing her to strong and talented women, putting her in a special group of kids with communication problems, discouraging her from wearing her brother’s hand-me-downs.

This was a critical factor in helping her deal with her transgenderism, but it wasn’t the end of the story. “I stepped away from a trans identity when I hit puberty and realized, ‘guess what, my body is a female body. There’s nothing I can do about it. Nobody is accepting that I’m a boy. Nobody is recognizing me as a boy. I better just accept that I’m a girl.”

But as she moved forward, she had a very different idea of who she was as a woman. “That [acceptance] wasn’t embracing myself as a girl. It wasn’t until the last year, that I really accepted myself as a female, because I had a hole that needed to be filled, and you know this, and I know this gets into religious stuff that alienates some people. But it wasn’t until I accepted God into my life that I was able to accept myself as female and love myself. And that’s why I was able to get into the pornography. If I had loved myself, I never would have fallen into pornography.This does relate to my gender dysphoria and that is because growing up I had so much hatred for myself as a female and I felt so disassociated from myself as a female, that when I sort of started to accept myself as a female, I became very sexualized. So I thought, ‘If I’m going to be a female, that means that I’m going to be sexualized, and I’m going to be objectified and I really kind of accepted that role as being a sexualized and objectified female. That in order for me to be valuable, I had to get that kind of sexualized attention.”

She performed as a solo performer on PornHub. And she found almost immediate success and admiration. Even her therapist gave her a green light. She recounts that he said, “it was great that I found something that I was good at. He likened it to being a social worker, that I was providing a service to these men who needed it.” There was tremendous demand for her videos. The comments poured in. “I can’t eventell you, the kind of affirmation I got from it. I’m not feeling very good about myself, and instantly, I’m having people tell me I’m beautiful, that I’m a goddess, that they want to marry me, that they want to take care of me, that they love me. Instantly, within like an hour of posting my first video.”

But she slowly came to the realization as to why these men liked her videos, specifically. “I’m not the ideal beauty, I’m not a blond bombshell, in some ways, it was really confusing. And at some point, I started to realize that one of the reasons that I was popular was because my body type is that of a little girl. I’m petite. And I started getting more and more requests, to dress up like a little girl, to look younger. And that’s disturbing. So I ended up causing some physical harm to myself.”

The realization came slowly for her, because these users, to her, felt very much like people who loved her. “They felt like my friends, they felt like people who loved me. They felt like my family. It was very easy to get sucked into it. And I finally stopped, I started doing increasingly dangerous things, and there was one day where I was up in the mountains, totally naked, doing something, and I looked up, and there was a man watching me. And I suddenly was like, ‘What am I doing? What the heck am I doing. How stupid is this?’ And I realized my life was a mess. There’s something seriously wrong with my head.”

The expert, her therapist, advised she make her videos in more safe places, like her house. But she recounted that the Ultimate Expert was the one that helped her turn to the light. “Around this time is when I had an epiphany, that I needed to stop doing this. I felt like God kind of interceded and said, “You are loveable. These guys don’t love you. They are teasing with you. They are using you to replace some emptiness in their lives, but they don’t love you.” And having that realization that all of this was, that I was kind of being taken advantage of, that I was harming myself, that I was, potentially, harming other women, by acting out scenes for men that were derogatory or violent towards women. I could potentially be making them thinking that that’s what women want. And that I could be a party to somebody thinking that it is ok to be that abusive to women. It hit me really hard, and I am so thankful.”

Today, Erin works with the Compassion Coalition, a non-partisan national group for those fighting to ban invasive, harmful, unproven medical interventions for gender confused children. Our goal is to support efforts around the nation and around the world to stop the medical abuse of children who identify as transgender.”


First Legal Non-Binary Person Regrets and Detransitions: James Shupe


James Shupe lived for 6 years as a transgender woman. His transgender activism prompted far reaching changes, from pushing the state of Oregon to make gender neutral bathrooms, to receiving a legal non-binary gender designation, even on his birth certificate. But in 2019 he detransitioned and was able to restore his birth name and gender. His transgender story begins in childhood, is complex, distressing, and reveals terrible lapses in our national mental health infrastructure.

After a discharge from the military, Shupe found that he was increasingly distressed and felt at odds with his body. His solution was to visit a nurse practitioner in 2013 and threaten to get and inject hormones on his own if she didn’t prescribe him what he asked for. That same day, even though the nurse had never met him, she ordered the hormone treatments.

What followed were three years of attempting to live in what he perceived as a woman’s body. During that time he was planning on receiving surgery to compliment the hormonal treatments he was taking. Only one lone therapist raised concerns about his treatments and procedures. He not only fired her, but filed a formal complaint against her. All the other professionals went along with his desire to look like a woman.

 


 

His fantasy of living as a woman came tumbling down after those first three years. He said, “Despite having taken or been injected with every hormone and antiandrogen concoction in the VA’s medical arsenal, I didn’t look anything like a female. People on the street agreed. Their harsh stares reflected the reality behind my fraudulent existence as a woman. Biological sex is immutable.”

His next steps were to receive legal recognition as a non-binary person. Through some clever legal maneuvering, a transgender-activist lawyer, and a transgender friendly judge, he made international headlines by having his sex change form declare him “non-binary.” The attention he garnered caused further stress, and while he had attempted the “non-binary” designation as a compromise, and he was hospitalized several times over the next few years.

The root cause of all of this stress, in reality, dates back to his childhood. His childhood was far from happy. His parents beat him violently. He recalled that his mother beat him for “being a sissy.” Understandably, his psyche was scarred, and he was left emotionally vulnerable. During his childhood, he was also sexually abused by his uncle.

After entering the army, and marrying his wife (who, amazingly, stuck by him through the entire process) he became ensnared by pornography. “After having watched pornography for years while in the Army and being married to a woman who resisted my demands to become the ideal female, I became that female instead. At least in my head.” Autogynephilia, a man who is attracted to the idea of himself as a female, is the disorder, articulated by Dr. Ray Blanchard, that explains one of two types of transgender women (the other being homosexuals that are attracted to men).

That none of his medical professionals asked why he felt the way he did, or even looked into the post-traumatic stress he experienced while in the army, shows the power of the transgender lobby. They have cowed the medical profession into ignoring the Hippocratic Oath, and get them to engage in serious psychological and physical harm.

And harm there was. Speaking to PJ Media’s Tyler O’Neil, Shupe detailed the disastrous effects of the hormonal treatment on not only his body, but his mind.

“I ended up in the psych ward three times because of hormones. I had blood clots in my eyes because my estrogen levels were 2,585 instead of 200, low bone density, problems controlling my bladder, and emotional instability. Blood tests indicated I was dropping into kidney disease territory (EFGR below 60) for about 18 months, I had chronic dermatology issues and skin reactions to estrogen patches, I passed out on the kitchen floor from Spironolactone.”

Noticeably absent was a discussion from the terrible side effects that this type of treatment causes. It is almost as though the potential profits blind the physicians to their responsibility to do no harm.

James’ life has been full of difficulties and hardships, both from the affirmation therapy from the professionals, and his distressed upbringing. He has, however, come to a realization about his life and actions. “In January 2019, unable to advance the fraud for another single day, I reclaimed my male birth sex. The weight of the lie on my conscience was heavier than the value of the fame I’d gained from participating in this elaborate swindle.” No longer is he referenced as the man who started the “non binary’ legal option, and he is no longer the darling of the liberal media. But he is a man working to live truth, and speak out about his part in changing it.

He spoke to the Daily Signal about moving forward after detransitioning. He referenced the 12 steps of the Alcoholics Anonymous program, and said it works with other addictions, including compulsive sexual behavior.

“I have admitted that I am powerless over my mental illness and transvestic disorder. I have accepted that my life has become unmanageable and that only a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. And I have made a conscious decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.”

“It took seeing and experiencing all of that destruction and recognizing the harms of it for me to finally understand that Christianity builds stronger families, safer communities, and most importantly, a better nation.”

His story is real. His pain is real. His transition, and subsequent desisting, are real. Let’s not ignore his powerful testimony, or forget him.