Stories

Stories collected for our Resource Centers


"I am Going to be a Boy. It will Keep me Safe." Erin Brewer's Transgender Story

(Above: Erin Brewer shares her story with Dr. Morse on April 3, 2020. This story is taken from that interview)

 

Erin Brewer was only six years old when she was molested by two men outside of her elementary school. The event was traumatic and horrible for her and it led her to dysphoria with her own body. She decided that if she were a boy, she wouldn’t have been assaulted. Her brother, for instance, was with her, and the two men left him alone. She cut her hair and started wearing her brother’s hand me downs. It was a tremendously difficult episode in her childhood.

Erin’s childhood home was far from idyllic. When she was only four, her parents got divorced. She stayed with her mother, who remarried her stepfather. “I longed for my dad’s attention. Still, still, it breaks my heart. I never felt loved by him. A lot of that was because I felt like the divorce was my fault.In my head I felt that if I had been a son, if I had been a good boy, that he would have stayed with my mom.” Any child of divorce will readily recognize and identify with these sentiments.

Another terribly disturbing part of her home life was the nature of her mother and step-father’s marriage. “I basically grew up in a family that is being promoted as sex positive now where there was sex happening in my home, not just between my mother and step father, but between my mother and other men, and my step-father and other men. So it was a very sexualized environment that I grew up in. I think they call it an open marriage. Not a good environment for children to grow up in.”

 


 

It was against that background that six-year-old Erin had to cope with the sexual abuse she endured. She talked about the dissociation she experienced with her body, and how she acted out because of it. “In my case, I hated my body so much that I was doing dangerous and harmful things. I raged, when I’d be brushing my hair, I just started hitting myself with the brush because I hated myself so much. I had blood coming out of my hair. Sometimes, outside, playing on the playground, I would get so angry I would start slamming my fist on my crotch, because I just had this incredible anger because I felt like my body betrayed me. I felt that if I hadn’t been a girl, that sexual assault wouldn’t have happened.”

The emotions and confusion she experienced led her to making sense of the world and coping with the trauma in these destructive, painful ways. Her school psychologist gave her mother some effective guidance, that she says was effective. Among the suggestions were: reinforcing positive ideas of being a woman, exposing her to strong and talented women, putting her in a special group of kids with communication problems, discouraging her from wearing her brother’s hand-me-downs.

This was a critical factor in helping her deal with her transgenderism, but it wasn’t the end of the story. “I stepped away from a trans identity when I hit puberty and realized, ‘guess what, my body is a female body. There’s nothing I can do about it. Nobody is accepting that I’m a boy. Nobody is recognizing me as a boy. I better just accept that I’m a girl.”

But as she moved forward, she had a very different idea of who she was as a woman. “That [acceptance] wasn’t embracing myself as a girl. It wasn’t until the last year, that I really accepted myself as a female, because I had a hole that needed to be filled, and you know this, and I know this gets into religious stuff that alienates some people. But it wasn’t until I accepted God into my life that I was able to accept myself as female and love myself. And that’s why I was able to get into the pornography. If I had loved myself, I never would have fallen into pornography.This does relate to my gender dysphoria and that is because growing up I had so much hatred for myself as a female and I felt so disassociated from myself as a female, that when I sort of started to accept myself as a female, I became very sexualized. So I thought, ‘If I’m going to be a female, that means that I’m going to be sexualized, and I’m going to be objectified and I really kind of accepted that role as being a sexualized and objectified female. That in order for me to be valuable, I had to get that kind of sexualized attention.”

She performed as a solo performer on PornHub. And she found almost immediate success and admiration. Even her therapist gave her a green light. She recounts that he said, “it was great that I found something that I was good at. He likened it to being a social worker, that I was providing a service to these men who needed it.” There was tremendous demand for her videos. The comments poured in. “I can’t eventell you, the kind of affirmation I got from it. I’m not feeling very good about myself, and instantly, I’m having people tell me I’m beautiful, that I’m a goddess, that they want to marry me, that they want to take care of me, that they love me. Instantly, within like an hour of posting my first video.”

But she slowly came to the realization as to why these men liked her videos, specifically. “I’m not the ideal beauty, I’m not a blond bombshell, in some ways, it was really confusing. And at some point, I started to realize that one of the reasons that I was popular was because my body type is that of a little girl. I’m petite. And I started getting more and more requests, to dress up like a little girl, to look younger. And that’s disturbing. So I ended up causing some physical harm to myself.”

The realization came slowly for her, because these users, to her, felt very much like people who loved her. “They felt like my friends, they felt like people who loved me. They felt like my family. It was very easy to get sucked into it. And I finally stopped, I started doing increasingly dangerous things, and there was one day where I was up in the mountains, totally naked, doing something, and I looked up, and there was a man watching me. And I suddenly was like, ‘What am I doing? What the heck am I doing. How stupid is this?’ And I realized my life was a mess. There’s something seriously wrong with my head.”

The expert, her therapist, advised she make her videos in more safe places, like her house. But she recounted that the Ultimate Expert was the one that helped her turn to the light. “Around this time is when I had an epiphany, that I needed to stop doing this. I felt like God kind of interceded and said, “You are loveable. These guys don’t love you. They are teasing with you. They are using you to replace some emptiness in their lives, but they don’t love you.” And having that realization that all of this was, that I was kind of being taken advantage of, that I was harming myself, that I was, potentially, harming other women, by acting out scenes for men that were derogatory or violent towards women. I could potentially be making them thinking that that’s what women want. And that I could be a party to somebody thinking that it is ok to be that abusive to women. It hit me really hard, and I am so thankful.”

Today, Erin works with the Compassion Coalition, a non-partisan national group for those fighting to ban invasive, harmful, unproven medical interventions for gender confused children. Our goal is to support efforts around the nation and around the world to stop the medical abuse of children who identify as transgender.”


Blair Logsdon: 167 Transgender Surgeries

 

Blair’s story isn’t readily available in many places online. He has shared it with Walt Heyer, and it was published on the Daily Signal in 2018, and we will quote from that here. 167 surgeries, all gender transition related, earned Blair Logsdon an entry in the Guiness Book of World Records. It is somewhat disconcerting, for both him, and the medical community. It eventually cost him over $220,000.


 

Blair struggled with feeling comfortable in his body, and in 1987 he attempted to use surgery to help him feel better about his body. Similarly to Walt Heyer’s own story, Blair felt uncomfortable within a very short time from his surgery. After that initial surgery, Blair waited some five years before he had another surgery to restore his male genitalia.

At this point, if someone wanted an additional surgery, most of us would question whether physical intervention would really solve the problem. You would expect medical experts, whether surgeons, therapists, or psychologists would step in and reevaluate the original diagnosis of gender dysphoria and evaluate additional factors, including any signs of comorbidities.

Unfortunately, none of the medical professionals who treated him cared more about lining their pockets rather than his emotional and mental well being.  “Doctors, apparently with total and reckless disregard for Logsdon’s emotional, psychological, and sexual well-being, ignored his obvious distress about previous cosmetic surgeries and indulged his requests for more. He was “caught in a cycle of hope followed by disappointment.” Over the years, Blair experienced a strange combination of feeling regrets over his feminizing surgeries, and a very strong desire for additional feminizing surgeries. “

Over the course of 18 years, Blair received 167 surgeries and filled the bank accounts of seven surgeons with over $220,000. Having been entirely failed by the medical and therapeutic industries over that time period, Blair, who says that he feels disfigured from those surgeries, eventually turned to Jesus Christ. He said he was able to find his “true self” in the gospel.

Blair’s story deserves mention, and his treatment, as well as the medical professionals, deserves scrutiny.

 



First Legal Non-Binary Person Regrets and Detransitions: James Shupe


James Shupe lived for 6 years as a transgender woman. His transgender activism prompted far reaching changes, from pushing the state of Oregon to make gender neutral bathrooms, to receiving a legal non-binary gender designation, even on his birth certificate. But in 2019 he detransitioned and was able to restore his birth name and gender. His transgender story begins in childhood, is complex, distressing, and reveals terrible lapses in our national mental health infrastructure.

After a discharge from the military, Shupe found that he was increasingly distressed and felt at odds with his body. His solution was to visit a nurse practitioner in 2013 and threaten to get and inject hormones on his own if she didn’t prescribe him what he asked for. That same day, even though the nurse had never met him, she ordered the hormone treatments.

What followed were three years of attempting to live in what he perceived as a woman’s body. During that time he was planning on receiving surgery to compliment the hormonal treatments he was taking. Only one lone therapist raised concerns about his treatments and procedures. He not only fired her, but filed a formal complaint against her. All the other professionals went along with his desire to look like a woman.

 


 

His fantasy of living as a woman came tumbling down after those first three years. He said, “Despite having taken or been injected with every hormone and antiandrogen concoction in the VA’s medical arsenal, I didn’t look anything like a female. People on the street agreed. Their harsh stares reflected the reality behind my fraudulent existence as a woman. Biological sex is immutable.”

His next steps were to receive legal recognition as a non-binary person. Through some clever legal maneuvering, a transgender-activist lawyer, and a transgender friendly judge, he made international headlines by having his sex change form declare him “non-binary.” The attention he garnered caused further stress, and while he had attempted the “non-binary” designation as a compromise, and he was hospitalized several times over the next few years.

The root cause of all of this stress, in reality, dates back to his childhood. His childhood was far from happy. His parents beat him violently. He recalled that his mother beat him for “being a sissy.” Understandably, his psyche was scarred, and he was left emotionally vulnerable. During his childhood, he was also sexually abused by his uncle.

After entering the army, and marrying his wife (who, amazingly, stuck by him through the entire process) he became ensnared by pornography. “After having watched pornography for years while in the Army and being married to a woman who resisted my demands to become the ideal female, I became that female instead. At least in my head.” Autogynephilia, a man who is attracted to the idea of himself as a female, is the disorder, articulated by Dr. Ray Blanchard, that explains one of two types of transgender women (the other being homosexuals that are attracted to men).

That none of his medical professionals asked why he felt the way he did, or even looked into the post-traumatic stress he experienced while in the army, shows the power of the transgender lobby. They have cowed the medical profession into ignoring the Hippocratic Oath, and get them to engage in serious psychological and physical harm.

And harm there was. Speaking to PJ Media’s Tyler O’Neil, Shupe detailed the disastrous effects of the hormonal treatment on not only his body, but his mind.

“I ended up in the psych ward three times because of hormones. I had blood clots in my eyes because my estrogen levels were 2,585 instead of 200, low bone density, problems controlling my bladder, and emotional instability. Blood tests indicated I was dropping into kidney disease territory (EFGR below 60) for about 18 months, I had chronic dermatology issues and skin reactions to estrogen patches, I passed out on the kitchen floor from Spironolactone.”

Noticeably absent was a discussion from the terrible side effects that this type of treatment causes. It is almost as though the potential profits blind the physicians to their responsibility to do no harm.

James’ life has been full of difficulties and hardships, both from the affirmation therapy from the professionals, and his distressed upbringing. He has, however, come to a realization about his life and actions. “In January 2019, unable to advance the fraud for another single day, I reclaimed my male birth sex. The weight of the lie on my conscience was heavier than the value of the fame I’d gained from participating in this elaborate swindle.” No longer is he referenced as the man who started the “non binary’ legal option, and he is no longer the darling of the liberal media. But he is a man working to live truth, and speak out about his part in changing it.

He spoke to the Daily Signal about moving forward after detransitioning. He referenced the 12 steps of the Alcoholics Anonymous program, and said it works with other addictions, including compulsive sexual behavior.

“I have admitted that I am powerless over my mental illness and transvestic disorder. I have accepted that my life has become unmanageable and that only a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. And I have made a conscious decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.”

“It took seeing and experiencing all of that destruction and recognizing the harms of it for me to finally understand that Christianity builds stronger families, safer communities, and most importantly, a better nation.”

His story is real. His pain is real. His transition, and subsequent desisting, are real. Let’s not ignore his powerful testimony, or forget him.

 



Five Hours and a Letter - Sydney's Transgender Story


Five hours and a letter. That’s all that Sydney Wright needed to begin hormone replacement therapy and gender “transition.” Sydney was on the verge of turning 19 and was convinced that transitioning to being a boy would solve the psychological problems she was facing. She was a classic tomboy, but also was mainly attracted to girls. The encouragement to “transition” was coming from various sources: her therapist, the seemingly ubiquitous transgender success stories she saw in the media, and even her friends.

Five hours might be the time spent on two dates with someone. How well do you know someone after two dates? Telling someone your darkest inner secrets after two dates usually gets you ghosted for the third. Even psychologists aren’t always able to treat their patients after five sessions. Yet, for Sydney, the specialist she saw felt that the five hours amounted to enough to get a recommendation letter for hormone therapy.

She summed up the problematic thinking our society has engaged in, “At age 18, I wasn’t even legal to buy alcohol, but I was old enough to go to a therapist and get hormones to change my gender.”


After she received the letter, she met with a doctor whom, she thought, would administer the treatments himself. Instead, he showed callous disregard for her and her future well-being. In response to her stating that she was nervous, he asked whether or not she wanted to move forward, accepted her letter (without even opening it), phoned in the prescription, and told her to administer the shots herself – perhaps learning how on YouTube.

Sydney began the treatments and noticed some worrying results almost immediately. She gained weight, her skin became discolored, and, most terrifyingly of all, her blood started to thicken. She also discovered that she was now pre-diabetic. The original doctor said that these symptoms weren’t something to be worried about. Fortunately, she had the good sense to seek out a second opinion, which informed her that she was at risk for a stroke or heart attack.

And yet, for all the potentially life threatening side-effects of the treatments, not one of her friends, or people who cared for her, dared to speak out, or even talk to her about the terrible impact it was having on her. No one, that is, except for her grandfather. “Finally, one day, my grandfather sat me down to talk about it. He was, and will remain the only person whose opinion I will ever care about. With tears in his eyes, he asked me to stop… That was a saving grace. I would have let this treatment kill me before admitting I’d screwed up. His intervention may have saved my life.”

While Sydney didn’t have any surgeries, quitting the therapy took an immensely heavy toll on her. For four months she went through terrible withdrawals. Her hormone balance was off, she spent nearly every day sick, was unable to keep any food down, and during her last ER visit, was convinced that if she wasn’t admitted to the hospital, she wouldn’t make it. Even a year after being off of hormones, her voice is still deep and she appears very masculine, but fortunately, she has been able to return to a semi-normal life.

Sydney now identifies as the female she has always been, though it will take a court order in order for her to change her driver’s license to reflect that. She is still a lesbian, but has recently come out in support of an Alabama bill banning transgender treatments for people under the age of 19. Peter Sprigg, of the Family Research Council explained about Sydney’s stance, “She made clear that she's not opposing this bill because she's against the LGBT community. She's part of the LGBT community. She opposes it because of the physical harm that it causes to the bodies of transgender kids.”

Sydney’s story is a travesty and she knows it. From the zeitgeist of affirmation to the medical profession’s indulgence of childish fantasies, to the doctor’s preferment of pharmaceutical payments to the health of their desperate and fragile clients, our children, and anyone suffering from gender confusion, deserves better.

 

 

Sydney lives in Georgia and told her story to the Daily Signal. We are grateful to her for having the courage to share her story, and to the Daily Signal for publishing it.



Hidden Dangers of The Mind: A Detransitioner’s Tale

I was a lesbian for 22 years. Then I lived as a female to male transsexual for 17 years before detransitioning.

My name is Maritza. I was born in Havana, Cuba. My mother was given a form of estrogen to prevent miscarriages. She was able to carry me to term, but not without ramifications. I dealt with health issues, from asthma to reproductive female issues. I was not your average female. I had a deeper voice, bad menses, and a slew of emotional and neurological instabilities.

I was sexually molested from age 8 to 12. My parents were dysfunctional, particularly my father, who was an abusive, alcoholic control freak. My mother was emotionally incapable of dealing with me. She was an ill woman and was spoiled by my grandmother.

Many of our childhood traumas come back to haunt us as adults. Unresolved emotional issues show themselves in various facets of disassociation and grief, to the point where we create poor coping skills to mask the pain. I believe same sex attraction stems from rejection, sexual abuse, and a mother or father wound. I’ve seen this not only in myself, but in many others.

 


 

If we’ve been hurt, we engage in a behavior that allows us to run away from who we are. Instead of being angry at the person who mistreated us, we blame ourselves. We self-harm. We see ourselves as not good enough; therefore, an alteration of our character, to include mannerism, gender or sexual expression, rises.

We try to fix the situation by creating an alternative person attracted to the same sex, so we do not have to repeat the scenario that took place with our parent. Many try to replace that parent with a same-sex partner. No one in their right and balanced mind would choose to gender swap or be same-sex attracted. This is done out of despair and in attempt to "fix" a situation.

There is no objective finding to prove that we are born gay. This new gender craze is based on nothing more than junk science and a rather crafty marketing scheme. There is a dark agenda behind it, led by the elites, who are trying to bring in a brave new world.

So how did I get to where I am today? After all, I had bought the lies and believed the gender craze. I advocated for the trans community, did the TV circuit, and even wrote a book called, The Mirror Makes No Sense. I believed that I was born wrong. Years of research, however, led me to understand that there is no evidence that anyone is born wrong or that there is a nature within that makes you gay. We are programmed by our creator to be heterosexual, so where does this paradigm come from? Our fallen nature and our need to fix things.

From all the failed relationships and lack of true happiness came the realization that the life I chose had lots of holes in it. You begin to think that feeling this way is normal. You fight for it. You claim others are wrong, but when you dive into the real essence of it, you realize that it is all based on lies.

I believe that the Father, our creator, used my situation to awaken me to the truth. I was in several relationships with trans women who still had their male parts. And although I was repulsed at one point by men, due to the sexual molestation and the aggressive alcoholic father, being with transwomen helped heal those wounds. In some strange way, I no longer feared men. I was also healed from my same sex attraction.

Today people claim all sorts of disorders, none of which have any biological nature but are psychological and situational. But politicians have an agenda to push. There are medications to be sold and procedures to be had. The corruption of society is quite the circus, one I am glad to no longer be part of.

I am in gratitude to my savior, who through his patience, love and persistence, allowed my chains to be broken. I no longer identify as a lesbian. I no longer want to be seen as a man. I am content to be the daughter of the Most High, here help others break free from the programming and brainwashing the trans agenda has to offer.

I want people to know that there is hope. If they want healing and ask the Father for guidance, they will find it. Without a shadow of a doubt, no one is born wrong, and God does not make mistakes. The adversary toils with your pain, places bad ideas in your mind and heart, and will make you believe lies. You owe it to yourself to learn the real you, to realize that life was not meant to be as hard as you make it. Let him take control and heal you once and for all.

 

 

 

Maritza currently maintains her blog and a YouTube channel. In both places she shares her story as well as the stories from other desisters. We are grateful to her for submitting her story to be shared with the Ruth Institute.