by Betsy Kerekes
This article was first posted at Catholic Lane on November 17, 2016.
It seems many people
have marrying an idiot as their goal. The amount of couples getting divorced proves to me that many have already become experts. Sadly, there are
still those hold-outs who insist on taking their vow of “till death do us part” seriously even when they get bored with one another or a more interesting/exciting/attractive
person comes along.
To those old-fashioned people who care that divorce harms children in drastic, life-altering ways, or who still think difficulties in marriage are
worth overcoming rather than throwing in the towel, this article is not for you. You need to get with the times. To the rest of you who wish to
join the cultural norm of marrying an idiot and eventually getting divorced only to marry yet another idiot, please keep reading. I will help you
find fulfillment.
Here are five steps to get you started:
Continue dating that person whom you’ve already determined you would never want to raise children with or even spend the rest of your life with.
Who cares about Mr. Right? Just go with Mr. Right Now. Your biological clock is ticking! Sure, you could break up with this person, stop wasting time,
and go find your perfect match, but why take the risk? Do you want to be an old maid for the rest of your life? Ignore that sinking feeling in
the pit of your stomach that’s telling you you’re making a huge mistake. You can rationalize away all his or her flaws. Besides, you can change
this person. People always change, especially people with addictions of any kind. They’ll get better once you’re married. Just wait and see.
Speaking of kids, do not speak about kids
As in do you both want them and/or how many? Talking about how you’ll raise them and educate them is a total mood killer. So what if you find out later
that one of you wants to homeschool them while the other insists they’d be better off in public school? Or if one of you wants to protect their
innocence, while the other says you ought to throw them to the wolves because it will make them stronger! Sheltering is bad for children. Let them
make their own choices, form their own opinions. At least agree that you will not form the consciences of your children. That is not your job as
parents. But in order to marry an idiot, be sure you don’t agree on these issues. Or better yet, don’t discuss them beforehand at all.
Pay no attention to your mom or your best friend who knows you better than anyone when they tell you this person is not right for you.
Yes, they have an objective outside opinion, but you’re right in there! The warm fuzzies and exciting newness is all you need. It will last FOR EVER.
It’s all about your emotion. If you feel good being around this person, that’s all you need. People on the outside looking in just don’t get it.
They don’t know you!
Once you’ve successfully made it to the point of engagement, largely because you’ve been together so long everyone just expects it of you, don’t you dare take that marriage preparation seriously.
Doodling while the experts speak or checking your Facebook page is a definite must. That lady going on and on about the importance of finances and
how you ought to have a plan for who is doing what and how you’ll handle money—she knows nothing.
And that little test they give but insist isn’t really a test but just a measure of your compatibility—it’s totally a test. What right have these
people to question your fitness to marry one another? Their little test will tell you nothing. In fact, just copy each other’s answers. That’ll
show those priests and marriage counselors to try to find any areas that you two need to discuss before the wedding. Can’t they see how in love
you are? What more do you need? You’re totally ready!
And finally and most importantly, you absolutely positively must live together before marriage.
How else will you find out if you’re compatible? Clearly, playing house is a good warm up for the real thing. It doesn’t in any way mean that you don’t
fully trust one another to take the plunge. Sure, there are countless studies saying that cohabitation is bad for your marriage, and that you’re
chances of divorce increase drastically. Yes, the National Marriage Project stated “no positive contribution of cohabitation to marriage has ever
been found,” but what do they know? You can beat those odds. So what that that’s what everyone thinks and is clearly wrong? They’re not you. You’re
special. You’re different from everyone else. Do what feels right and nothing else matters.
Congratulations, faithful readers. If you have followed these five easy steps, you too can marry an idiot.
Betsy Kerekes is co-author of 101 Tips for a Happier Marriage (Ave Maria Press 2013) and 101 Tips for the Marrying the Right Person (Ave Maria Press 2016). She also blogs at Parentingisfunny.wordpress.com.