A donor conceived person tells her story. My comments are in italics.
The concept of egg and sperm donation, donors procreating with the intention of not assuming any responsibility or feelings towards the person they have helped create, is a curiously artificial construct conjured by the infertility treatment industry. which has a financial stake in promoting one “choice” over others. It is the complete opposite of how parents normally feel towards their biological children. that irresponsibility and alienation caused by egg and sperm donation would not be possible without legal institutions designed to protect and facilitate it. The state is promoting something that is, quite literally, anti-social. In the early days it was useful in helping clinics recruit donors, and for parents who wished to believe donor conception was truly a ‘cure’ to their own infertility, but what happens when the child refuses to accept that their biological parent is not merely a ‘nice man/woman’ who is inconsequential to their lives? In other words, what happens when the child refuses to go along with the fiction that their biological origins are unimportant?
It is crucial to realise that the decision to use a donor to create a family results in life-long consequences for the child who is subsequently born. But the typical infertile woman is more focused on herself and what she wants than on the child and what he or she will need. Every person I know who is donor conceived (about 15) has been affected by it. It is untrue to claim there are no real issues with donor conception, that as long as you tell the child the truth, and tell early, everything will be fine. This is an exact parallel with the Big Lie told by the original promoters of easy divorce: as long as the parents are happy, and everyone behaves in a sensible and mature (ie non-emotional) fashion, the children will be fine. …
The psychology of donor conception is complex because it asks the child to differentiate between the ‘social’ and the ‘biological’ aspects of parenthood. Historically there was never this schism, leaving our language unprepared for it. Historically, sex, biology, child-bearing, and love between parents was wrapped up in a bundled called “marriage.” Thus, even the word ‘parent’ is loaded and ambiguous, so we are left with clunky terms such as ‘biological parent’ and ‘social parent.’ Lauren, I understand what you are trying to say, but the problems you describe are too deep to be solved by a few new semantic terms, and ever-s0-correct usages. …
Donor conceived children are generally smart and sensitive. They want to protect their parents. This often complicates the way they allow themselves to express their feelings about being donor conceived. They are generally especially sensitive about not upsetting the non-biological parent. Lauren, this is exactly the sort of thing that happens with divorce: the children end up taking care of their parents psychologically. In any other setting, this parental behavior on the part of a child is considered pathological, and evidence of psychological child abuse. The Parentalized Child is not a healthy child. …
Infertility can mean mourning the loss of somebody who has never existed. However, choosing donor conception to overcome infertility can mean transferring the loss so that it is now the child who grieves, in this case for someone they have also never met, the missing biological parent. I once had a conversation with a reproductive endrocrinologist who did not participate in artificial reproductive technology, as a matter of principle. He said, “infertile women tend to go in one of two directions. Some become very spiritual from the infertility experience, as they learn to let go of controlling the outcomes in their lives. Others become obsessed with getting their own way, and become narcisistic.” …
Adoption was normally deemed the best solution to some crisis that meant the biological parents were unable to care for their child. I feel in this case the deliberateness of the decision to separate kin is significant. I completely agree with you. Adoption is a child-centered solution to an unavoidable problem. Donor conception is an adult-centered process, in which a child is made, not begotten.
I guess you can tell I like this article. I find it important. I hope people who are considering the use of donor gametes will read this and take it seriously. Read it all here.