Tip #23 from "101 Tips for a Happier Marriage"

Think about other people who are counting on you to stay married, and who would be disappointed if you divorced. Your marriage is an example to others, whether you know it or not.

Want more marriage tips? Check out "101 Tips for a Happier Marriage: You can improve your marriage even if your spouse doesn't change a bit."

The Government Wants YOU...to Stay in Love...What?

by Helen Alvaré, J.D., Senior Fellow in Law, and Ruth Institute Advisory Board Member   

Several columns ago, I addressed the worry that our country’s nearly 40% out of wedlock birthrate might represent some sort of tipping point for marriage, for  children’s well-being and for our society’s shared future.  I reviewed in-depth interviews with single moms which revealed nearly bottomless wells of mistrust regarding the men who fathered their children. The men’s behavior did not seem to merit better. This past Father’s Day, President Obama spoke to an aspect of this mistrust: he asked the fathers to step up to their fathering responsibilities. (See www.politico.com) He explicitly discussed his own fatherless upbringing and the hole it left in his life. Good for him, and for the young men there in the Rose Garden. And good for the country too. A robust father-child bond is a crucial piece of the puzzle of that is a healthier future for U.S. children.

What’s missing? Or rather, Who is missing? The mother, as well as the father’s relationship to her. Advocating fathering of the children is great, but forgetting that everything related to fathering begins with the mother is foolish. From the initial sexual encounter, to his treatment of her during pregnancy, to his willingness to make the couple-commitment she so earnestly desires, to his presence at the birth, to his willingness to support the baby and the household ever after  -- all of it involves the he/she relationship. Efforts to get the prospective mother (or father) to “say no” to sex, or to employ drugs or devices to prevent conception, or even the granddaddy of all efforts – to ramp up the educational and employment chances of men (whose fortunes have suffered terribly in recent decades) in order to fashion them into better marriage prospects, -- all must take account of  the fact that sex, marriage and parenting take place in the context of the hopes and beliefs of men and women about intimate heterosexual relationships. 

The personal narratives of lone mothers attest to this. Those who read them solely to imply that finances alone are impeding the move to marriage are mistaken. Or that lack of knowledge of birth control is the driving force behind their pregnancies. Or that welfare income or better educational and job opportunities for women are driving their decisions to remain single despite the hardships.  Or that all of these decisions are simply a function of males’ declining earning power. They are failing to factor in other crucial pieces of the puzzle that point toward a fundamental disruption in male-female relations as an important source of any solution.

For all of the empirical data points to no decline in male or female longings for heterosexual unions that are committed, even permanent.  This is true across races and socioeconomic classes.  Claims that young men and women are waiting longer to think in these terms may be exaggerated. In fact, if cohabitation figures are added to marriage numbers, it turns out that men and women are not entering their first perceived committed intimate relationships at ages any older than the men and women __ years ago.