Damage control for teens of divorce

Mark Gregston

When parents split up, it can cause a number of problems in the life of their children; especially if the children are in the pre-teen or teen years. I would never say divorce is responsible for every problem for the kids from split families who come to our teen-counseling program at Heartlight, but it is a major factor for many. Divorce piles on emotional problems for a teen a little higher than there would normally be for an already emotional adolescent.

While there is no real way to fix the problems that divorce can bring into a teen's life, there are ways to do damage control to help them through one of the most painful experiences they will ever encounter. Since half of all marriages end on divorce, I thought it may be helpful to provide a few ways for the parents to address the after-effects of divorce on a teenager. It can help them better deal with the hand they were dealt.

http://www.onenewsnow.com/Perspectives/Default.aspx?id=675470

De Facto Parents

Now children can have multiple legal parents without biology, adoption, or marriage.
By William C. Duncan

In his 1988 book Silent Revolution, Herbert Jacob described how one of the most significant changes to family law in the 20th century, no-fault divorce, began in California and spread through the states with very little public debate or controversy. This remarkable transformation was presented, and largely accepted, as routine policymaking in the domain of legal experts.

Similarly, a revolution in the legal understanding of parenthood seems to have quietly begun with little or no public debate or discussion. This dramatically transformative development is the statutory recognition of “de facto” parenthood — the notion that an unrelated individual (usually the unmarried partner of a biological parent, but potentially any adult) can be designated as the legal “parent” of a child by virtue of an agreement with a biological or adoptive parent, or even just a relationship with the child. In some cases, three or more people may be designated “parents” of the same child. While a handful of state courts have endorsed the idea in the context of disputes between same-sex couples jointly raising children, not until very recently has a legislature endorsed it.

http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=YzcwZjA0ODk2NzM2NzY4N2IyYTQwYmY1NGQ3NGUyODc

Divorce has lasting effects on health

Carolyn Moynihan

More evidence has come to light of the damage divorce does to family members. A study of 8652 people aged 51 to 61 shows that those who have been divorced, as well as those widowed, have worse health than those who have been continuously married or who have never married. Their health improves somewhat with remarriage but still suffers long term effects. The research, by University of Chicago Sociologist Linda Waite and Johns Hopkins public health professor Mary Elizabeth Hughes, is the first to examine both marital transitions and marital status on a wide range of health dimensions, including chronic disease (heart, diabetes, cancer), depression and mobility.

http://www.mercatornet.com/family_edge/view/divorce_has_lasting_effects_on_health/

UNFAITHFULLY YOURS

Around the time of my parents' 50th wedding anniversary, I turned to my father at the dinner table one night and said, "It's amazing, Dad — 50 years, and you never once had an affair. How do you account for that?"

He replied simply, "I can't drive."

Watching the governor of South Carolina cry like a little girl because his sexy e-mails got forwarded to his local newspaper, the State, made me wonder whether the real secret to a lasting marriage lies in limiting your means of escape. Whether you're putting the Buick Regal in reverse or hitting Send on a love note, you're busting out of your marriage, however temporarily, and soon enough there will be hell to pay.

During the press conference in which he admitted his affair, Mark Sanford warbled that he had broken "God's law," a sentiment that served only to emphasize the narcissism that had gotten him in trouble. Wrestling with God's law had apparently been the subject of many sessions of his Bible-study group, a seminar that may have spent a little too much time on the Song of Solomon, given Sanford's e-mailed encomium of his lover's physique: "I love the curves of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of night's light." Finally a bit of prose that makes us long for the clinical precision of the Starr report. Sanford told reporters the affair had begun "very innocently," which reveals that he still hasn't been honest with himself about the willfulness of his actions. When a married man begins a secret, solicitous correspondence with a beautiful and emotionally needy single woman, he has already begun to cheat on his wife.

Just a week before, another blue-blazered elected official — Senator John Ensign of Nevada — was forced to make a similar confession, although he left God out of it, which must have been a nice break for the Almighty. Ensign had done "the worst thing" in his entire life, he confessed: "I violated the vows of my marriage." The mood on both occasions was funereal; it might have been touching to see two such buttoned-up guys welling with tears if the corpses weren't their political careers.

Read the rest here: http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1908243-1,00.html

Equal Parenting

Finding an equitable arrangement in divorce is important. Better still are parents who can stay together
By Stefan Paszlack, Researcher, Institute of Marriage and Family Canada

Last summer National Post columnist Barbara Kay asked this question: “When can divorced Canadian fathers – and their children – expect justice, so long demanded, so long promised and so long deferred?” [1] She’s not the only one. Equal parenting has been getting more and more attention, in particular when Dr. Edward Kruk released Child Custody, Access and Parental Responsibility: The search for a just and equitable standard in December 2008. Then on June 16, 2009, Maurice Vellacott , Member of Parliament for Saskatoon-Wanuskewin introduced Bill C-422. [2] It’s an equal parenting bill, which seeks to amend portions of the Divorce Act to change the legal presumption of sole custody in divorce disputes to one of joint custody.

http://www.imfcanada.org/article_files/eReview_July1_2009.pdf

Commentary: Let's end disposable marriage

By Leah Ward Sears

ATLANTA, Georgia (CNN) -- After Tommy's sudden death, we found among my brother's personal effects a questionnaire he had completed in 2005 for a church class.The very first question was a fill-in-the-blank that went like this: "At the end of my life, I'd love to be able to look back and know I'd done something about .....""Fathers," Tommy wrote.
When asked to identify something that angered him that could be changed, Tommy wrote, "Re-establishment of equity and balance and sanity within the American family."

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/07/02/sears.family.divorce/index.html?iref=hpmostpop

Losing Confidence in Marriage

By KAY S. HYMOWITZ
Is marriage in the midst of the social equivalent of the financial meltdown? The first inkling -- the Bear Stearns moment, if you will -- came almost a year ago when the National Enquirer reported that John Edwards appeared to be the father of a love child. The full-scale crisis hit in the past weeks with les affaires Ensign, Sanford and (at least according to rumor) reality-show star Jon Gosselin. Adding to the sense of a Great Marital Depression was a much discussed article in the Atlantic by performer and writer Sandra Tsing Loh about her own infidelity and ultimate separation from her husband, titled "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off."

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124658294270189935.html

Why Marriage Matters

By Caitlin Flanagan

Around the time of my parents' 50th wedding anniversary, I turned to my father at the dinner table one night and said, "It's amazing, Dad — 50 years, and you never once had an affair. How do you account for that?"He replied simply, "I can't drive."Watching the governor of South Carolina cry like a little girl because his sexy e-mails got forwarded to his local newspaper, the State, made me wonder whether the real secret to a lasting marriage lies in limiting your means of escape. Whether you're putting the Buick Regal in reverse or hitting "Send" on a love note, you're busting out of your marriage, however temporarily, and soon enough there will be hell to pay.

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1908243,00.html?xid=rss-nation-cnn

The Divorce Will Be Televised

by Maggie Gallagher

America's most televised parents of multiples made it official: They are splitting up. Kate minus Jon makes nine.Yes, the children will suffer. But no doubt it will be good for ratings. Well, there are worse tragedies than divorce, bigger problems in the world than the things that led Jon and Kate to break up their own family, as the headlines remind us. Even as Kate and Jon called it quits, a young Iranian woman named Neda captured the fickle attention of the world for her simple and defiant act of courage. Some things are worth dying for.

http://townhall.com/Columnists/MaggieGallagher/2009/06/24/the_divorce_will_be_televised?page=full&comments=true

Facebook and Divorce

By Belinda Luscombe

Not long after Patrick told his wife Tammie he wanted a divorce, she posted an angry, hurt note on "the wall," or public-comments section, of his Facebook page. Embarrassed that his colleagues, clients, church friends and family could see evidence of his marital woes, he deleted it and blocked his wife from seeing his page. A couple of days later, the IT worker in Florida--who asked that his last name not be used in this story — found alarmed messages from two Facebook friends in his inbox. Tammie had used a mutual friend's account to view Patrick's wall and e-mailed several women he had had exchanges with. He says her e-mails were borderline defamatory. She says they merely noted that he was married with children, a fact he had left off his Facebook profile. Either way: Ouch.

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1904147,00.html

To Have, to Hold, For a While

W. BRADFORD WILCOX Brad Wilcox will be one of the faculty at the Ruth Institute Conference in San Diego, CA, August 6-9, 2009.

Amid divorce, remarriage and co-habitation, children do not do well.

Last week, Vermont became the fourth state to legalize same-sex marriage, setting off yet another round of celebration and hand-wringing in different quarters of American life. The debate over same-sex marriage -- showing so much intensity on both sides -- is but one sign that Americans take marriage very seriously indeed. From television specials featuring over-the-top Bridezilla weddings to the federal Healthy Marriage Initiative, which spends $150 million annually on marriage-related programs, no other Western nation devotes as much cultural energy, public policy or religious attention to matrimony as the U.S. And with approximately 90% of Americans marrying over the course of their lifetimes, the U.S. has the highest marriage rate of any Western country.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123958524728412435.html

Newlyweds’ arguments can predict divorce

Carolyn Moynihan

What are the odds of a lasting marriage for newly-weds who argue angrily over money or other issues? Not very good, according to British mathematician James Murray, who has devised a formula that he claims can predict divorce 94 per cent of the time. “Some couples might as well get divorced right away,” he says after conducting a study with 700 newly married couples.

http://www.mercatornet.com/family_edge/newlyweds_arguments_can_predict_divorce/

Saving, helping marriages in Texas

Charlie Butts - OneNewsNow

The Texas Legislature is trying to reduce the state's divorce figures. Jonathan Saenz, a spokesman from the Free Market Foundation, found a sponsor for the bill. "The legislation is aimed at attacking no-fault divorce," he explains. "In our state one person can walk away from a marriage, even when kids are involved, and leave the other spouse to raise the kids and having to fend for themselves."

http://www.onenewsnow.com/Politics/Default.aspx?id=458074

The carbon footprint of divorce

Carolyn Moynihan

He is not the first one to say it, but Australian senator Steve Fielding has made international headlines by pointing out that divorce increases the carbon footprint of a family because at least one member moves out and has to find new accommodation and new utility services. “We understand there is a social problem (with divorce), but now we’re seeing there is also an environmental impact as well,” he said in a speech on the government’s stimulus package. “Mitigating the effects of resource-inefficient lifestyles such as divorce helps to achieve global environmental sustainability and saves money,” he added.

http://www.mercatornet.com/family_edge/the_carbon_footprint_of_divorce/

The Economics of Divorce

The continuing decline of the economy is unfortunately taking a toll on so many different areas of our lives. The news headlines are voraciously tackling every possible angle—each day revealing another area affected by the recession.

This past Sunday, msnbc.com reported on perhaps one of the most unfortunate side effects of this financial crunch. It seems that many couples are opting to remain married instead of divorcing—they simply can't afford to divorce. Nationwide, the numbers of divorce filings are dropping.

Pamela Smock, a researcher at the Population Studies Center at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, says that this does "not bode well for all sorts of families. It could keep unhappy couples together."

Jeff Grumley, a marriage counselor from Illinois, said he had seen a 25 percent jump in business in recent months as couples tried to save their marriages, and their money. "I think people feel desperate," Grumley said.

The way I see it, the incalculable damage caused by this phenomenon will be long-lasting. Think of all those poor couples who are undergoing marriage counseling: chances are that a good number of them will end up resolving their differences, leading them to stay married long after the economy recovers!

Let's get serious now.

Thinking rationally, it's difficult for most of us to understand people who would divorce, just because "they can afford it," rather than try to patch things up through therapy. But when egos and feelings get involved, many people – even those who are normally wise and intelligent – stop being rational. Sometimes a financial deterrent is what does the trick.

Our Sages recognized this truth about human nature when they instituted the ketubah—the marriage contract. This contract, whose centerpiece is the husband's obligation to financially compensate his wife in the event of divorce, was intended to make divorce a financial trouble on the husband, so that "it should not be light in his eyes to divorce her."

The economy will rebound. It always does. In the famous Biblical story of Joseph in Egypt, the years of plenty served to sustain and feed the years of famine. But just as the booming years provide a nest-egg that cushion the lean ones, the lessons learned during the lean years provide perspective and clarity for the financial good times.

Empathy, financial prudence and prayer. The realization that we are not completely in control over our destiny; we must always have faith in a Higher Being who is the ultimate power. All these positive traits that we cultivate during difficult times—we must make sure they carry over when these times pass.

And, of course, marriage is most sacred. Termination of a marriage should only be considered after every single possible solution has been exhausted.

Maybe you can afford it in terms of dollars. But the destruction of a family has no pricetag.

www.chabad.org/blogs/blog.asp?aid=772288&jewish=The-Economics-of-Divorce.html

Family breakdown costs New Zealand $1bn a year

Erosion of the family in New Zealand is costing the country at least $1 billion a year, according to new research commissioned by lobby group Family First. The report, The Value of Family, estimates for the first time the fiscal impact of single parenthood, divorce and decreasing marriage rates in the small, South Pacific nation, and finds that the cost over the past decade amounts to $8bn. New Zealand’s gross domestic product is around $211 billion (US$128bn), making the cost of family breakdown equivalent to about 0.5 per cent of GDP a year.

Family breakdown in New Zealand reflects trends in many developed countries, but the nation of not quite 4.3 million people has one of the highest rates of non-marital births -- ahead of the United Kingdom, United States, Australia and Canada -- and sole parents outnumber married parents among families with children. Some 49 per cent of children (65,000) live in a sole parent household, and such households have five times the poverty rate of couple households. The report, by Dr Patrick Nolan of the New Zealand Institute of Economic Research, is not the first to point out the toll that poverty takes on children’s health and wellbeing. But it is the first to go behind “child poverty” to the family breakdown that contributes to poverty. It also looks at the role welfare policies may play in non-marriage, family breakdown and “poverty traps”, but finds there is a lack of empirical research to go on.

However, it finds that married couples can also fall into poverty traps, thanks to taxation steps and the abatement of assistance as income rises. Under current tax schemes in New Zealand, married couples from low income families would be up to $15,000 better off in terms of income in the hand if they separated, because of the interaction of family assistance programmes. “The government has created a system which contains perverse disincentives for parents to get married or stay married,” says Family First NZ national director Bob McCroskie.

What the report also shows indirectly is a lack of interest on the part of government and researchers in the fate of the family based on marriage. Moreover, national elections are just two weeks away and yet hardly a word has been said by any party on this subject. The report calls for programmes and services to reduce unwed pregnancy and to help prepare couples for marriage and support them during marriage. It also recommends research on the relationship between government policy and family form. ~ The Value of Family, Family First NZ

Financial crisis sees divorce rates fall in Spain

After rising steadily for a quarter of a century, to more than 100,000 a year, divorce numbers in Spain went into a clear decline earlier this year, when the meltdown of the country's key property sector and the beginnings of the global financial crisis put an end to more than a decade of economic growth. With unemployment rising and house prices dropping, as many as 30 per cent of couples who might have divorced are hanging on. Some might even stay together permanently, says Madrid lawyer Antonio Prada. "The economic crisis would help to preserve marriages" in cases where the partners have at least friendly relations, he adds.

Couples who can't stand the sight of each other, however, are resorting to "internet divorces" based on standard contracts supplied by law forms charging low fees. These create problems, says Prada, because they do not deal with the details of dividing property, child custody and other specifics. Spain legalised divorce in 1981 and Prime Minister Jose Luis Zapatero's Socialist government made it easier in 2005, putting it on a no-fault basis. The economic slump is also bringing adult children back home as they lose their jobs or find difficulty obtaining mortgages or credit to start a business. The number of young people leaving home fell last year and the number of 30-somethings moving back has risen. ~ Deutsche Welle

Divorcing Italian couple charged with making their son suffer

A divorcing Italian couple who argued acrimoniously in front of their 12-year-old child and fought for his affection face prosecution for causing him psychological suffering. The charge, which carries a prison sentence of up to five years, was brought after a health visitor reported that the child was disturbed. Legal experts think there is no precedent for the case in Britain or Europe.

The prosecution reported that the mother and father blamed each other for "shortcomings and educational errors in bringing up the child", with each parent trying to "discredit, devalue and undermine the other" in front of him and "project their emotions onto him, above all anger". This caused the child to become anxious and depressed, unable to concentrate or do his schoolwork, confused him and instilled in him "the conviction that his parents hated each other". Both parents persisted in arguing in front of the child even though he told them it was "making him feel ill". They had "manipulated" the child in an attempt to make him decide between them" as part of their divorce battle.

A Milan judge will decide early next month whether to go ahead with the trial. If it does go ahead, it could have implications for countless other cases. The case is a sign of growing social alarm over the effects of divorce on children. ~ Times Online, Nov 8